As summer slowly starts creeping up on us, I’m beginning to realise my days are numbered when it comes to hiding beneath jumpers and layered clothes.
I need to put down the chocolate and pick up the weights with a little more vigour than I am currently and, yes, perhaps I need to do some cardio.
It’s one thing me kicking myself up the arse, and telling myself to stop being quite so lazy, but it’s another when you get the triple whammy in a matter of hours from your partner, insinuating the same.
strike one: you’re not skinny enough.
We were talking about the Bachelor.
Don’t ask me why, something to do with the girls Zac works with having me pegged as a different type of girl, the type who’s sucked in by the Kardashians, gushes over the Bachelor and immediately knows that YSL is Yves Saint Laurent, and not the Young Services League.
Zac mentioned that the girls get paid a full years salary to go on the show, and that most of them are probably only on there for the cash.
B: “You’re shitting me? A year’s salary? Fuck babe, I’d ditch you for 12 weeks pretending to find love for that, just to pay for the wedding! Even if I am the completely wrong type for the show”
z: “Yeah, you’re no where near skinny enough to do that.”
strike two: you’re used to feeling fat.
Walking through Eastland, I was dragging Zac into various different shops, on the hunt for a white singlet and black singlet with ‘fancy straps’ to replace the two that died on our travels in Asia.
Having just bought himself a few new muscle tanks, Zac was subconsciously wanting us to twin and asked if I’d considered looking for a muscle tank instead.
I have, I told him, but you know what I’m like with tan lines, and I need some tops I can wear to anything, not just casual.
I walked past Ozmosis. Hesitated, and then turned to Zac asking if we could pop in for me to have a look.
B: “The thing is, my chest is too big, all of these stuff is for the teeny tiny titties in the world. Eurgh, I just feel so fat in these shops.”
Z: “Surely you’re used to feeling fat.”
strike three: my little humpback whale.
We were talking about posture. It had been a conversation that we kept picking up throughout the day and given my posture is usually so terrible, I’d already felt a little attacked at varying points throughout the day.
Zac was saying he’d seen a meme that described the two type of girls, those who stand what I would argue is normally and those who over arch their back to make their bum look bigger.
He turned to me smiling and said: “You’re like the first one, the one with the humpback, you’re my little humpback whale.”
in his defence…
As the name of the feature suggests, Zac never means to insult me, he’s just a pro at bad timing, speaking before thinking and things just not coming out the way he meant them.
When he said I wasn’t skinny enough, he meant I have curves and I’m not a skeleton.
He went to great lengths to explain how much he loves my curves, and my boobs and how upset he’d be if I didn’t have my curves, or my boobs.
I was meaning personality wise I’m probably not the type for the Bachelor, but we won’t go in to that…
When he said I should be used to feeling fat, he was in his own world, still day dreaming about us twinning and only half listening to what I’d said. He was actually trying to tell me that I’d get used to the feeling of the muscle tank being cut a little lower, thought I was talking about muscle tanks (because that’s what he was thinking about) and was just doing that guy thing of repeating some of the words they heard you say back in the hopes you won’t realise they weren’t fully listening.
When he compared me to a humpback whale, he was trying to be cute and it was just really, really unfortunate that whales are so big and he’d already insulted me twice that day.