This week I’ve gained a little more direction for the next few months. Staying with Em means I have a decent reliable internet connection and I feel like I’m finally managing to get on top of all the ‘life admin’ stuff I have been neglecting because the Internet has been so shocking.
I feel organised.
Time away has given me a well earned break and I’ve got a better handle on what I need for me.
This week’s awkward and awesome are slightly more serious than usual, you have been warned!
While being in Byron I’ve been lucky enough to get not one, but two new jobs.
I’ll be teaching swimming at the South Yarra Lawn Tennis Club on a Tuesday afternoon and then that gym job I was stressing about? I got it!
Both phone calls were extremely unexpected (especially the gym one – I’d completely written it off!) and I’m so pleased to be able to continue working in the Health and Fitness industry, I feel like I’ve finally found my niche in the world. I love teaching, but I love being surrounded by active, energetic people. I’ve always been a ‘sporty’ girl, but I tend to get sucked in to the habits of the people I’m close to; as much as I love staying in, watching Netflix and eating pizza, it’s nice to have the daily motivation to ‘do something’.
I’m going to somber the tone somewhat now.
One thing that made me quite sad this week is entirely wrapped up in the ever explosive topic of body shaming.
I had a day in Byron to myself and as the rain had burnt off in the afternoon there was nothing for it but to head to the beach, with my book and do some sunbathing.
But as I found myself a spot on the beach, I realised my usual desire to strip off and sunbathe had completely evaporated.
Surrounded by browner, fitter and as I perceived them more beautiful people, I didn’t want to get my squishy, wobbly, pale body out.
To my left middle aged women going topless, to my right women bigger than me sat without a care in the world enjoying the sun.
But I was here, by myself, entirely ashamed to de-robe.
I’m not going to pretend I’ve had some miraculous weight loss, but there was a time when I was much bigger than I am now.
I’ve always struggled with fluctuating weight, poor body image and low self esteem, all tied in to how I feel about my body.
Despite losing a lot of weight over the past year, I still think of myself as ‘bigger’.
But the past few months I’ve really started to feel better about my body, I’m almost in a place where I look in the mirror and go ‘Yeah!’
I nearly have a bum.
So why was I sat on a beach in Byron, sweating rather than stripping?
I thought I’d come so far, but my body confidence is still linked to what other people think. The difference now being the focus.
Without the affirmation of my friends telling me I looked really good now, I was just as lost as when I thought strangers were staring thinking I could do to lose a few pounds.
I’ve still got further to go on my weight loss journey, but I thought I’d got past all the body shaming and self hatred.
I know it’s not just me though, and I think it’s so sad that so many women feel awkward in their own skin.